What They Want
by elliedreams
Summary: "Oh, Steven…" Connie whispered. She hugged him real tight, and for a moment Steven wondered that if she hugged him tight enough he just might poof back into his gem. And when he regenerated, it wouldn't be him anymore, it'd be Rose Quartz… He wondered if Connie was strong enough.


**A/N** : I love my baby boy Steven. But sometimes, I wonder..

 ** _Trigger Warnings for_** : Implied suicidal thoughts.

Quote: " _I will fight to be everything that everybody wants me to be when I'm grown!"_

Steven laid down on his stomach as he thought over what he sang the other day. With dread settling in slowly and sharply, like dense poison entering his being, he stuttered out, "I – I… no one.. wants me, as me.."

Connie looked up from her book, and asked, "Huh? What do you mean?"

Steven sat up and looked down on his sandals.

"It's… nothing," he tried, faking a smile.

Unfortunately for him, he's always been horrible at lying.

"Steven..?" Connie started, trying to coax him to tell her. When he didn't budge, she tried again.

"Steven," she tried a more playful voice.

Still nothing, but he at least looked pretty guilty.

"Steven!" she said sternly.

At that, he cracked, "okay, okay!"

Connie scooted closer towards Steven as he took a deep breath. She set her book down and focused solely on him, as he started, "So, the gems and I were saying what we fought for one day…"

He paused for a moment, then went on, "Garnet fights for the planet that lets her be herself, since Homeworld has something against fusions or something.. Pearl fights for my mom, and everything she believed in. Amethyst fights for planet Earth, where she was created.. I. Well, I'll fight to be everything that everybody wants me to be when I'm grown, y'know.."

"So… what's the problem?" Connie asked, not seeing what was wrong.

Tears brimmed Steven's eyes as his voice trembled, when he said, "It's– it's just.. what if everyone – the gems, my dad.. what if what they want, is for me to disappear–?"

"Steven!" Connie cut him off, hardly believing what he was saying. "What are you even saying?!"

"No, listen! What if they want _me_ to disappear.. For my mom to come back? I mean, everyone misses her, and they all.. they all loved her so much, and it hurts them. I know they all kinda.. they all blame me for taking her away from them. So, if I wasn't here anymore, they would have her back, right? And maybe.. maybe that's what they want," Steven explained.

At this point he was all tears and snot, sniffling every now and then before wiping his eyes. It hurt so badly to think it, but _saying_ it.. it was a worse pain than when Jasper punched him in the face. It stung at his heart, and made his breathing heavy and uncomfortable. His eyes were blurry from the tears, and he.. he was just _so sad._

"Oh, Steven…" Connie whispered. She hugged him real tight, and for a moment Steven wondered that if she hugged him tight enough he _just might_ poof back into his gem. And when he regenerated, it wouldn't be _him_ anymore, it'd be Rose Quartz… He wondered if Connie was strong enough.

All those thoughts vanished as soon as he heard sniffles from her as well, and when they pulled apart, Connie was crying too.

Surprised, Steven wiped his eyes and nose before asking, "C-Connie, what's wrong?"

Her lips trembled before she hugged him again, but this time, she didn't let go.

"Steven, what are you even saying.."

It was a statement.

"Connie..?"

Maybe he shouldn't have told her after all.

"Steven, everyone… we all love you so much, Steven," Connie said.

"But my mom – you would've loved her. Probably even more than you love me. I mean, everyone else does," he reasoned. His nose was still stuffed, and though he wasn't quite sobbing like before, there were the occasional tears.

Connie shook her head as she said, "I don't care about that. I doubt it. And yeah, the gems and your dad love her. They miss her. I mean, they at least _knew_ her, right?"

Steven nodded.

"But that doesn't mean they don't love you, too, as equally or even more so. As much as it hurts to lose someone so important… Just think, meeting someone new, who makes an equal amount of an impact as that other person.. Well, you wouldn't want anything bad to happen to them, right?"

Again, a nod, before Steven realized, "But, well, I wouldn't want anything to happen to either person."

Connie smiled.

"Yeah. You're _Steven_ , of course you wouldn't."

Steven appreciated her efforts to making him smile.

"Anyway.. well, losing both Rose Quartz, and then you.. it would just break them, don't you think?" Connie asked.

At that, Steven inhaled sharply as his eyebrows furrowed in thought. He looked away from Connie.

Of – of course, if poofing didn't work and both him and his mom were forever gone, then that would just hurt them more. Oh god, why doesn't he ever _think_ about the consequences? Was he always just so selfish? Why was he so.. so thoughtless, so impulsive, so mean?

"Stop it," Connie demanded. He looked up at her, felt her warm hands on his shoulders as she gripped them tight, kept their eye contact.

"Just stop it."

"What..?"

She sniffled a little bit, and wiped an eye, before saying, "You are _**not**_ selfish, or mean, or impulsive, or thoughtless."

His cheeks flushed as he realized that he was talking out loud without meaning to.

As the silence stretched on, Steven saw how Connie's eyes burned red again, tears brimming, as her eyebrows furrowed together. She sniffled just once, and tears flowed.

"Please," she begged, her voice cracking.

"Co – Connie?" he asked, concerned and confused as he held her hand.

"We love you, and we don't want you to ever leave. So please, please.. please don't ever think that again. I bet with my whole heart that everyone else just.. they all want you to just. Be. _Steven_."

They hugged one more time, just quick and chaste, and this time, he smiled genuinely.

"Yeah.. yeah, okay. Thanks, Connie."

 **A/N** : As do all writers, reviews/comments/faves/etc are highly appreciated!


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